How I Learned to Let Go of Perfectionism: A Lesson From My Mother’s Suicide

My mother died 18 years ago today. It has probably taken me that long to be able to talk about it because as survivors of suicide, our culture teachs us to live in shame.

However, as I grow older, I have learned to let go of that shame. If you mention your experience with suicide to others, you will usually always find that they were affected by a similar loss in some way.

If you knew my mother, you probably also knew that she was nearly perfect at everything. She was the perfect mom to me. Her house was perfectly clean. Her hair was perfect. Her makeup was always applied. Dinner was always on the table at 7 o’clock on the dot. She could sing perfectly, she could speak French fluently, and she could understand nearly any complex topic of conversation. She exercised every day and watched her weight. Our yard was perfectly manicured. She washed her car EVERY Sunday. She was an amazing teacher and even won the Kansas teacher of the year award. She loved her students and was an advocate for them. She even brought one of them home when he was in trouble and he lived with us for a few years. Even our pets were perfectly taken care of. I think her death was so surprising because she seemed so well put together. However, she never felt like she was doing enough, or that she was good enough.

This is what I have learned for myself from her suffering and death: